Safety Walk in Bathtubs – www.PremierBathrooms.ca – Easy Entry, Low Door, Comfortable Schedule a In-Home Assessment

Questions this raises:
1. Why would I want to take a safety walk among bathtubs?
2. How does a bathtub give me a comfortable schedule?

Here’s the corrected version:

Safety Walk-In Bathtubs – www.PremierBathrooms.ca – Easy Entry, Low Door, Comfortable. Schedule an In-Home Assessment

I’d take out most of the capital letters, too, but some people like them.

Scotland from coast-to-coast

I could see this headline in my peripheral vision as I drank my morning coffee, and it started to make me antsy. You see, those hyphens shouldn’t be there.

A coast-to-coast adventure, sure. But not simply coast-to-coast.

This is an issue I deal with all the time, and it’s often difficult to convince non-language-nerds that there’s any rhyme or reason dictating when hyphens are used and when they are not. Often, people flag the sometimes-use of hyphens as “inconsistent.”

But it isn’t. Here’s why: When used as an adjective that precedes a noun, descriptive phrases like “coast-to-coast” are hyphenated. That’s what’s happening in the example “coast-to-coast adventure” I used above. Otherwise, hyphens are a no-no — which is one reason why “Scotland from coast-to-coast” is wrong. (The “from” makes it even *more* wrong, because once hyphenated, coast-to-coast essentially becomes one word, and therefore does not have the necessary “from” and “to” for this phrase to work — it makes about as much linguistic sense as simply saying “Scotland from coast” — but that’s a whole other problem.)

I edit a lot of accounting educational material, in which the ugliest example of this is the lower-of-cost-or-market-value rule, which dictates that companies must disclose the value of their inventory at the lower of cost or market value. When these two uses appear often in one document, it can be difficult to convince non-editors that they hyphens are really there (or not) on purpose. But it’s true!

So feel free to go on a coast-to-coast adventure, but afterward, please write about how wonderful it was to see a country from coast to coast.

A recent article from the Telegraph offers some tragically funny examples of how poor punctuation and grammar can send your resume straight into the “no” pile. Here are some of the worst blunders:

– My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people.

– I am a pubic relations officer

– I was responsible for dissatisfied customers

– I have excellent editing and poof-reading skills

– I am a prooficient typist

– I was responsible for fraudulent claims

– While working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people

You can see more resume errors in the full article, available here.

Exhibit 1: The bizarrely specific
On the door of a fast-food joint, a sign read:

“No live animals allowed”

I’m not sure why they felt the need to specify that only “live” animals are banned. Perhaps dead ones are okay?

Exhibit 2: The  wrong conjunction
My father spotted this on the garage door of his condo complex:

“Please ensure the door is closed when you enter”

If the authors of this sign have figured out a way to walk (or drive) through closed doors, the sign makes sense — and they should be marketing their discovery! I suspect, however, that they want residents to make sure they door is closed after they enter.

Exhibit 3: Just plain bad English
My boyfriend caught this one at our local drug store, next to a bottle of hand sanitizer:

“For customers use. It is recommended to sanitize your hands.”

This has three  problems. One: a pretty nasty use of passive voice (“it is recommended”). Two: even if passive voice was appropriate here, it would still be wrong. The correct passive construction would be “it is recommended that you sanitize your hands” (rather than “to”). Three: “For customers use.” That should be “For customers’ use.” But why use three words when one will do? This sign should be rewritten as:

“Customers: Please sanitize your hands” or “Customers: Management recommends that you sanitize your hands”

Have you seen a particularly awful sign? Post your thoughts about it in the comments.

Retailers’ holiday sales plummet 4 percent

Now, I’m sure that a 4 percent drop in sales is painful for retailers in these tough economic times. But sales can’t “plummet” 4 percent. Dip, drop, fall, slump, sure. But to plummet is “to drop sharply and abruptly” (Merriam-Webster), and 4 percent is just not that sharp a drop.

But I simply couldn’t let this, from the “etiquette” section on their web site, go without comment.

Seats closest to the doors are designated for persons with disability and seniors, your courtesy in offering these seats to others is appreciated.

Aside from the fact that the phrasing makes it sound like the seats are for persons with disability and persons with seniors, that’s one nasty comma splice. Two sentences joined together like that require a semi-colon; a comma simply won’t do.

I can almost forgive the wonky capitalization and inconsistent use of end punctuation. But a question with no question mark and a contraction with no apostrophe are really beyond reproach — never mind the missing hyphen.

This ad could have benefited from a once-over by a “natural born” editor. If you’re spending money on advertising, it only makes sense to invest in a quick proof-read to make sure you’re not embarrassed — or even driving potential customers away.

For years I drove past this sign every day on the bus, and it has always driven me crazy. I understand what it is supposed to mean. Making wine at this location will save you money. But what on earth is that second line supposed to say when you read it to yourself in your head: Saving dollars? Saving moneys? Savings?

I just don’t know, and that apostrophe just makes it all the more painful. If they really felt they needed that $ symbol, the most logical way to phrase it would have been the simplest: Save $

What on earth does the person who wrote this ad think those quotation marks mean? Probably the same thing as the guy who wrote the sign I used to pass by at the skytrain station that read:

We prepare “fresh” food daily.

*sigh*