I sat through an unnecessarily long and painful software training session the other day (Office 2007 — thanks again, Microsoft), and my instructor had two verbal tics that only contributed to the length and pain.

Every time he asked anyone to do anything, he followed up with “if you would, please.”

And any time he explained just about anything, he finished with “is what it is.”

This led to monologues that sounded like this:

Okay, now click on the ribbon, if you would, please. This ribbon is a new feature, is what it is. Now create a new document, if you would, please. Now create a new slide, if you would, please. Choose the movie clip template, if you would, please. The movie clip is a new template, is what it is.

I understand verbal tics and delay tactics are necessary to allow the brain to catch up to the mouth, but this was clearly a session this trainer had delivered hundreds of times before, in exactly the same language-battering way. We wouldn’t put up with this kind of nonsense in writing, so why is it okay in speech?